RNC to Utahans: Use This Formula to Officially Change Your Name and the Senate Seat is Yours

When Utahan US Senator Orrin Hatch retires at year's end, the race to fill his position during these unorthodox political times will no doubt be a national spectacle. There are already favorites to win candicies in both parties, but the Republican National Committee is leaning heavily into the unorthodox by offering the candidacy as a prize in what appears to be a type of contest.

In a press release sent to reporters, the RNC explained that a potential candidate will "win" the locally-favored GOP candidacy if that citizen “legally changes his or her name to a new funny name like ’Orrin Hatch.’ We will literally give you the nomination."

Public distaste for the Republican party at large has grown as of late due to the party's recklessness. According to recent polling by CNN, just 29 percent of voters hold the Republican party in high regard. When asked for comment, former President Barrack Oboma responded "today's announcement from GOP leadership is a clear, unequivocal goddamn middle finger to the American public. The entire party seems to believe they can fucking act like children and that somehow underprivileged folks will find it 'relatable'." With his hands, President Obama made the "air quotes" gesture and rolled his eyes.

The RNC press release goes on to say the organization is "100 percent serious" that if any Utahan who wished to fill the Senate seat left vacant by Senator Hatch "goes before a judge and does the deed, then you're our candidate. Full stop."

Going one step further, the RNC included a formula potential candidates can use to "generate a funny Orrin Hatch-y name." To create an all-new-US-Senator-for-Utah name, would-be candidates "choose one piece of sports equipment or a semi-obscure naval term and pair it with a nonsensical proper noun in the style of Lewis Carroll's poetry," noting that both words are interchangeable.

The memo listed example names and noted "this is the kind of material we're looking for." Those names include ”Javelin Yabdabberfotch, Ballast Bromwaith, Larboard Garnath, Porthole Jumwits, Sirrumph Discus, Carabiner Zult, Chummorkle Wicket, Jock Yurbobo, Howdy Crosstrees, Club Norkle, Reinstall Quayside, Mitt Romney and Flotsam Vorpingaff."

There is currently an "Old Coot Name Generator" app on the RNC's official website that automatically generates a name for candidates and then shares the name formula to social media channels. "It's a formula alright," President Obama said. "A formula for disaster. Sweet, merciful Christ."